poor girl.. she must be mental... keep saying that she's tadase.. furthurmore in bakaara's blog she said "i love bakajia =) she rocks"... she's talking to herself... haiz... better keep my distance from her.... she talks crazy stuff i tell you... the last time she said that my future husband must belong from the deaf organization...
well. it's true that i'm like a grandma.. always talk and talk... but.. i do that becoz there's no one i can talk to.. it happened recently... my family and i went for dinner.. it was fun... but after i had my meal... i felt like vomitting... the food was oily.. i can't take oily food or else i will puke... if i talk i might vomit the next minute.. so i kept quiet... = =" worst day let me remind you... then my family want to have earthquake... for your info earthquake is a big bowl with scoops of ice-cream... different scoop for different ice-creams... i recommend you to try it... but it will be filling so don't eat anything heavy before that...
let me continue... then they asked what i want... i said i don't want as i feel like vomitting.. then i kept quiet.. before i know it they said that i have attitude problem... then my mum said "next time when you talk to us we will not bother to listen. talk to yourself. like a mental kid" my question is.. haven't i been doing that? they never bother to listen one bit.... only my brother is hilarious.. then i? just a nuisence right? during the moment when i kept quiet(i didn't have any choice) they kept talking and laughing.. ignoring me.. then i said to myself.. "don't they look like a happy family? then why am i here... aren't i a disturbance? why didn't the car hit me a few days ago...".. that was what i wondered....stupid right.. i know... then i got bored.. so i took out the storybook that i had... and read... what else to do?...
then my father looked at me... "so you're going to hide your feelings in the storybook is it".. was what he said.. i stared at him shocked..
"my feelings? i am hiding them? you don't even know how i feel everytime! you always concern yourself with shankara! not me! you care nothing less for me! you tell me to do this do that!! then i don't have time for other stuff and you expect me to do well!? are you even using that brain of yours!? do you know what i have been am going through!? you know nothing! did you even know that most of the time i think of disappearing from the surface of the earth! when i'm with you and the family you're driving me nuts! you're turning me into a freak! did you know that! well you can't care less for me so how would you know.. you never ask why i even did that! you never! you'll never!!! and you say that i'm stubbon!! i have attitude problem is it!! you guys are the one that have it!! HE! that idiot shankara always call me names... all kinds.. stupid, idiot, bitch, fu*k.. he can go on and on infront of you and you won't say anything.. but when i can't take it and just call him stupid you'll shout at me! where is this fare! this proves that i'm not your child right! i am just a nucience to you guys right! well. your actions say so.. what's the point of hiding furthur! tell it out!! why beat around the bush when you can say the truth!"..
that was what went in my mind...(still had more but too long) then i just closed the book.. kept it.. and stared at them... well.. i was dreaming again.. as... if i get angry the next minute i will cry coz i am actually a weak person... so i just stared at them and dream(my favourite hobby).. dreaming is the only thing that can cure my sorrow, anger & hatret... i dreamt how it would be like if i were with my dream family... a caring mother.... a funny father.... a protective brother.... and me.. then i can be my true self... after i reached home... i couldn't sleep.. then i talked to them as if they were there in my room... you might think that i'm crazy but this is how i get my pleasure in my house or should i say... when i'm with my family... i guess that's how dreaming became one of my hobby... hehe..
that's why i talk to my friends... but if they don't want to listen... i guess it's too bad huh? looks like no one wants to.. till i await for the very person who will hear my cry and make me to be my true self again.... i will continue to talk to my dream family.. but i have decided... i'm going to move out... well.. i'm a nuisence aren't i.... if i moved out they can become a happy family... well.. i have found mine... my dream family... so i'm not that sad...
the only thing that i'm waiting for is my ooji-sama... one day... for sure... he'll save me.. he'll bring me to light... he's the light of hope that will guide me through the darkness.... he'll have warm arms that will hug me when i'm in pain... great pain... or when i need a sense of belonging... a warm smile that will melt my sorrow and make me feel safe... a gentle voice that will break me apart... the gentle voice will break the walls that have built to hide my feelings... my true feeling... and his kind eyes... when i look into them... i'll forget my surroundings.. then before i know it.. my feeling will be pouring out... i'll have a trust in him... a sense of belonging... the warmth which i coudln't find all these years.. can only be felt when i'm with him... when i'm by his side... during then... then i can be my true self... i believe that.. that when i'm by his side... i can become my would-be-self... that's why.. ooji-sama... like i've said... i'll wait... i'll wait till the end of the earth.... i'll await for your arrival... then.. then... i would have a lot of things to share... a lot... really lots.. then... during that time... will you lend me your ear? will you give me the things that i deared...? and make me accept the things i feared..? but one thing will never change... i know... that thing which i have feared will never change.. there will never be a day when i'll overcome it.. i know it for sure.... but... will... will you be by my side till the end of the earth? will you? promise?
well.... i almost talked about my everday life... some might think that it is stupid.. some might say that i'm crazy... but this is how my life is... everbody is unique... that's how the world is... why can't some people just accept that and not expect more... if everybody were to be the same.... you'll go crazy... not only you.. everybody!! like i said everybody is unique you need to accpet that... you will understand why they behave that way if you know their background and how they think... everyone sees things differently... then why are you so stubbon? why only stick to your way of seeing and thinking... can't you see as that persons way of seeing things? you'll see a whole new meaning!! becoz everyone is different... that's how they are... we need to understand that first... the most basic thing on earth...
~Abarenbou na uchira miru yume ni genkai wa nai yo... (Sou! Sou! Sou!)... Kanousei hyaku-pa de umaretara hyaku-pa de ikite iku ze... Naitari warattari shite ironna hito ni deau... Daiji na mono mitsuketari nakushitari (hai donmai)... Gangan hashitte iketara sono hou ga tanoshii jan (soo jan! soo jan!)... Are mo shitai kore mo shitai... Iku zo (Goo!!) Susume (Oo!!) Gachinko de ikou!... Sekai ni hitori no jibun no tame ni... daisuki na koto wo kitto kitto mitsukete yare...~
Phrase of the day:
He searches for the truth while covering his eyes and ears. The time that passes between now and when they meet again drags on. Time that seems like it won’t end until they meet again. Words that were cast away; a look that was turned towards him. Even if he disappears in transport, he wanders. Even if he remembers, thoughts slip away again. Those who were chosen stand still. A history that has been locked away. The illusion of a will to protect... The people who lock away tomorrow...
~~~Zettai happi ni naru kara ne!~~~
