it all started with computer... always it have to be with computer... what ever i do... is always because of computer... why can't they see me for who i am? it's like they are always finding trouble in me... if i do mistake they say it is because of anime... why does anime come in at a time like this?? it sound preety stupid hearing them saying it.. they just don't understand!! my brother said that i should stop it... he said that the time when i gave the speech on the china trip i acted too much... so dramatic he said!! when was i being so dramatic?! to tell you the truth the time when i have been dramatic is when i'm with my family! they don't get how i feel.. they don't understand anything at all.. always bully me.. order me... if i don't do this my mum will kill me.. if i did it, my bro will kill me...
i can't take it anymore!! why me? what did i do? what have i done to deserve it?! i don't get it!! i hate it! i hate all of it!! to wear masks everywhere i go!! i can't stand it anymore!! i need to wear a mask when i'm with my family... another when i'm with my relatives... another when i'm with those who i don't know.. another when i'm with those who i hate or who hate me.. i only can be myself when i'm with bakaara and bakajia... but sometimes i think i don't belong in that spot... i'm always dying... i want somebody to hear me out!! plaese!! i beg you!! hear my cry!! hear what i have to say!! please!! before i become someone who i don't know!! but recently bakaara and bakajia never wanted to hear what i have to say.. it's true... it's true that i'm like a grandma..
always talking nonsense.. always so long winded... but.. that's becoz no one hears me... i always talk to my imaginary family... you know my imaginary family is my ideal family... i hate my self... i so hate it!! people say i'm this and that.. but i'm actually not.. some say i'm strong... but actually i'm not... i may look like one.. no wonder everybody judge me like that... but in truth i'm very weak... even after i get angry.. i'll walk away.. do you know why?.. becoz after that i will go to a remote area and cry my heart out... i will tell myself whether i'm an idiot! why did i do that!? what was i thinking! it is always my fault not others! it is always me! and it will always be!
for once i want to shout out the truth... i want to have the confidence to speak out.. i hate it... i wish i could be more like my would-be self which is strong.. determined... and brave.. in other words the opposite of what i am... at the moment someone who is very very dear to me is disappearing as time pass by.. i can't do anything but see him go by.. then? after he disappear? what will happen? how long more will he stay by my side? i can't take it anymore!! i want to run to ooji-sama's side... i can't take it anymore...
but i can't find him.. where did he go? where did you go ooji-sama? where are you?! why aren't you here!?! i want you to hug me and tell me it's all right!! please hear my cry!! answer me ooji-sama!! please!! i beg you!! answer me!! please...
i.. i better get going.. i'm sorry but i don't have the mood to tell the good news.. next time i will.. ooji-sama.. before i go.. hear this the very least... i'll be waiting for you no matter what.. even if it is the end of the world... i want you to know that i have always loved you... i have always!! so please notice me!! PLEASE HEAR MY CRY!! I BEG YOU!! PLEASE!!...
~komorebi ga yasashikute.. demo sore wa eien dewa nakute.. afurederu kanashimi ni hoshi wa mou aoku nari.. kotoba mo karete tada ai dake nokoreba ii ne~
Phrase of the day:
I walked with you, my love. Left behind were our footprints on the sand. The glimmering light from the sky… …shone upon the footprints of our lives. Joy… …and happiness… …shone from the two pairs of footprints. However, during desperate and troubled times… During times of overwhelming sadness… During times of unbearable pain… …there would only be one set of footprints. Dear Ooji-sama… During my moments of joy and happiness… During those times you were there for me. However… …when I needed you the most… …why were you not there for me?...
~~~Zettai happi ni naru kara ne!~~~
